The hardest decisions… 

When I was just 18 I got married for the first time. It was a very violent and destructive relationship. He did not have any problems hitting me or calling me names. I was to have his dinner on the table when he walked in the door and it was to be hot and exactly what he wanted, keep in mind this was way before cell phones so I had no idea when he would be home or what exactly he would want, talk about setting up for failure.

Daily hitting and verbal abuse was my norm. When we were dating he never raised his hand or voice to me , but the day we got married he hit me for questioning him. We met in the neighborhood where I grew up, all of us hung out together, he was 4 years older than me and had already graduated from high school when we started to date. 

During one of my trips to the psych ward we were dating and he asked me to marry him, while I was there we made plans and after I earned privileges I was able to go down stairs in the hospital and get my blood test. I turned 18 while I was in the hospital and the day I was released we got married. 

I guess you are wondering where my parents were during this time? Yeah me too, they did not come see me but once for a family counseling session and were really not supportive or happy to even have me as their child. At the time My younger siblings were just toddlers and I guess the stress of dealing with me and two toddlers was just to much. 

Of course this marriage was doomed for the beginning, I really tried to understand what was happening and to communicate with him, but there was no way I could stay, the beginning of the end is when he began to force me to have sex with him even when I said no. (Rape) 

One day I just finally had enough and called my father, grandfather and uncles and had them move me out when he was at work. My step-fathers mother made a space for me in her home for a few months and I began to learn to live on my own. Needless to say I went just a little crazy, I was 22 and had never dated or be out to bars as an adult. My ex stalked me wherever I went, He approached me in a bar one night and I was really sacred. I asked the bouncer who was a friend to make sure he did not try anything. He asked me to dance with him and I did, I told him under no uncertain terms that I was not coming back. He asked me to come outside with him, I told my bouncer friend to watch us and I stayed where he could see me. My ex walked around the outside of the building and pulled a gun on me. He proceeded to tell me that if he could not have me then no one would, I looked him straight in the eye and told him go ahead because I was never living like that again and turned and walked away. Can you say the end!!

I fell in love with someone who I later found out was married and immediately broke it off. I began to just do whatever I wanted, after all the men around me could why couldn't I? 

This is when I became pregnant with my son. I had choices to make and to me there was only one right one, since I was raised in the south we abided by social rules, I got married to my second husband, someone I really did not know very well and proceeded to have another disastrous  marriage. Of course I was not going to repeat the physical violence from the first relationship, but the lying was just as bad. I had my beautiful baby boy and  18 months later my just a beautiful daughter. They are the very heartbeat within my chest. 

When they were 2 & 3 years old my 2nd husband abandoned us. He was a truck driver and was not home often anyway. His idea of support was very minimal, I had to go on public assistance and housing in order to make sure my children were taken care of.  My family was supportive to the children and even my husband, but he told them all kinds of things about me and they believed him. I was headed for disaster, I began sending the children to my parents house Wednesday-Sunday so they would be safe, because where we lived was really scary. I was attacked in my back yard while hanging out laundry by a gang of young guys who threw broken glass bottles at me and verbally abused me. I was raped twice while living there and was in fear for my life from threats on a daily basis. I Saw my children on Monday and Tuesday and  was thankful that they were safe. My parents had no idea what was happening to me and really never asked, it broke my heart, because they thought I was just a horrible person. They believed I was doing drugs etc., it was not until later that I felt I had to find protection from what was happening to me that I became affiliated with a local gang and sold weed on the corner. The physical attacks stopped and I had a measure of peace for a while. 

My parents called child services and they also had the police watching me. I did everything I could possibly do to make sure my children were safe, but felt I was fighting a losing battle. I could not get a job because then I would make to much money for assistance. The cost of daycare for two toddlers was as much as I could make, this left no money for housing and food. Their father never paid any support for them, yet my parents allowed him to live at their house when he was home off the road and see the children. It was so disheartening. I felt completely trapped by my circumstances. 

This is where I was physically when I attempted to kill myself for the fourth and final time. My mental  state was not much better, my guides and anyone else that had passed were crowding my head and trying to communicate with me, it was never ending.  I really thought my mind was breaking. One night about 1am in the morning I was sitting in my window in the complete dark and quiet thinking about what my life had become and trying to decide what to do, I was watching the trees and thinking about all they had seen in their lives, they were huge oak trees, I physically saw with my own eyes a tree pull up its roots and shift to another location. The dirt settles back down and you could not tell anything had occurred. It was one of the craziest things I had ever seen.

Over the next month I came to realization that things were not going to change and I was not in control of my life. I made a decision that I wanted my children to have more. I knew my parents would make that happen. I sent Michael and Brandy to my moms on a Thursday as usual. I had been saving numerous bottles of meds and had weed and cocaine all long with a fifth of Jack Daniels. I wrote letters to everyone and planned for a night out. 

My night started with weed and then some valium along with some shots of liquor. A woman that I knew in the neighborhood came to the house and we went out to hang out at the local bar. I had the pills in my pocket (about 100) I would drink a little and take some more pills. At some point I was in black out mode, because I don't remember anything else. 

I woke up about 3am in my own bed and I was stone cold sober. I was also very pissed, I was screaming at God and demanding that he allow me to die. I could not believe that I was still alive. 

As I sat there in bed crying and screaming a brilliant white light appeared in the corner of my room, I was stunned and became quiet and calm. There was a loud voice that sounded like thunder and rolled through my body, the voice said “you cannot leave this existence yet, you have too much to do and many are counting on you” at this point I felt completely defeated. It was now about 5am and I got out of the bed and called my mother. I told her I tried to kill myself and I needed to go to the hospital, she came and got me and took me to see my psychiatrist and they sent me straight to the hospital. 

I was given a drug test because I was telling them what all I had taken. The drug test and the alcohol test came back completely clear as if I had never taken drugs. I had no side effects and the doctors really did not believe I had taken anything. I stayed at this facility for over a month. During my stay my mother went to her lawyer and had a paper drawn up for temporary custody of my children, with stipulations that I could work to get them back by proving I was stable for six consecutive months. I signed them because there was no way I could not. This was the starting point of giving up custody of my children and they beginning of the hardest part of my life. I was raised a Christian and prayed for guidance in this. I really believed that I would one day have my babies back. 

My mothers first cousin who I called Aunt Linda called me at the hospital and asked me if I would like to come stay with her in Alabama, my family and I currently lived in Nashville, Tn., I said yes and this was the beginning of my healing journey. 

We all have to make choices in our lives that haunt us and causes pain to ourselves and those we love. We are not intentionally trying to do this, but are trying with all we have to fix a very bad situation. I left my children with my parents and begin to work on myself so that one day I could be the daughter and mother I wanted to be all along. I knew that I could not give what I did not have so I sacrificed my relationships to try and make it better in the long run. I will talk about this journey later, but the background that got me to this decision was important for you to understand. Even with this being said I understand not everyone does, my parents have never forgiven me for the burden I placed on them and we have never been able to have a relationship. I miss that I won’t lie and I am not really sure I understand. I did eventually get my children back and I personally could never no matter what give up on them. I have been tested with this and I can say that it is not possible for me to not love them and want them to know that with every fiber of their being. 

I feel compassion and love for my parents at the same time that I feel hurt and abandoned by them. It is an issue that I still deal with to this day. My hearts desire is to have a loving relationship with them and acceptance from them. I will eternally carry hope and love in my heart for them always.